Little Red LittleWood
by OptimusPie
Summary: A rather silly fairytale parody starring InTheLittleWood and the HatFilms gents - will Little Red LittleWood manage to complete 'her' errand without being caught by the Big, Bad Walrus? ...Probably not. Rated T for Walrus-based violence, bad crossdressing, and terrible innuendos.


Good day, my friends, and welcome to my first fanfiction published here on ! I haven't used this site in a long time, so please forgive me if my etiquette is a little rusty...now then, a few points before you read on...

1) Because I know that it's a recurring trend to bash fanfictions like this, saying that they 'disrespect' the people in them, **HOLD ON A MOMENT**! I don't dislike anyone in this story in any way, nor am I getting some sort of freaky thrill from writing this - I'm writing this _purely for **fun**_. **This is a humorous, silly fanfiction and should not, repeat, _NOT_, be taken too seriously.**

2) It's been written in script format because…well, to put it short, writing it in normal story format wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. Sorry about that.

3) It was originally called 'Little Red Riding Wood', but if you've got a dirty mind…_yeah_, you'll realise how wrong it sounds…

Finished reading those points? Good, now you can read Part the First of Little Red LittleWood! I do hope you enjoy it - and remember, a review is always appreciated!

-Optimus_Pie

* * *

All the characters / personas in this story are copyrighted to their respected owners, NOT ME.

* * *

**Optimus_Pie presents…**

…**An incredibly silly fairytale, involving some of Minecraft's finest, that's not to be taken seriously in **_**any**_** way…**

**LITTLE RED LITTLEWOOD**

Starring:

**InTheLittleWood / Martyn Littlewood **as** Little Red LittleWood**

**Trottimus / Chris Trott **as** The Big Bad Walrus**

**Djh3max / Ross Hornby **as** The Lumberjack with a Somewhat Epic Beard**

**Alsmiffy / Alex Smith **as **Granny LittleWood**

* * *

(The scene begins in one of many lush and slightly cubey pine forests of Minecraftia. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the Creepers are wandering around waiting to blow up, and the invisible narrator clears his throat and begins our tale.)

**Narrator:** Once upon a time, in a faraway forest biome in Minecraftia, there was a young…err…

**Voice from nowhere (InTheLittleWood):** Oi, careful what you say!

**Narrator:** I- I don't know whether to call you a young boy or young girl, becau-

**ITLW:** Well, being called a 'young boy' would be more fitting, seeing as, y'know, I AM **MALE**!

**Narrator:** B-But the original character was a girl! Little Red Riding Ho-sorry_, LittleWood_, can't be a boy…that, and you are wearing girls clothes.

**ITLW:** Don't remind me of that, please. I'm aware of the fact that I'm wearing a dress.

**Narrator:** Girl it is, then! Now…there was a young gi-

**ITLW:** Do I really have to wear this outfit?!

**Narrator:** *Deep sigh* Yes Martyn, you have to wear it. It's what the original character wore.

**ITLW:** Oh, but in case you haven't noticed Mr. Narrator, it's **HUMILIATING**! What if people I know see me dressed like _this_?! People are gonna ask questions!

**Narrator:** …look, do you want to get paid for this or not?

**ITLW:** Y-Yeah, but-

**Narrator:** Then get out here and play your part, dammit!

**ITLW:** *Through gritted teeth* Oh God, this is so embarrassing…

(Enter InTheLittleWood, who is unfortunately dressed in one of the girliest, frilliest, and downright awful red and white dresses ever to grace Minecraftia…poor, poor guy. The blush on his face at this point is so bright it could probably be seen from Space.)

**ITLW:** This is wrong, this is wrong on _so many_ levels…*Begins to walk through the woods*

**Narrator:** …It's not a bad dress actual-

**ITLW:** Shut up.

**Narrator:** …would it be weird if I said it suited you a little bi-

**ITLW:** Shut. Up.

**Narrator:** Where was I? Oh yes…There was a young girl called Little Red LittleWood…who was the _prettiest, girliest, sweetest girly girl_ in all of Minecra-

**ITLW:** FINISH THAT SENTENCE AND I'LL **END** YOU!

**Narrator:** Oh really, you'll end me? How can you end me when you can't even _see _me, Martyn?

**ITLW:** I'LL…I-I'll just…carry on walking…*Grumbles under his breath*

**Narrator:** Little Red LittleWood was off to her Granny's house, to deliver some Golden Apples she had safely tucked away in her inventory. She skipped happily through the forest…

(There is a moment of silence)

**Narrator:** *Ahem* Martyn…

**ITLW:** Hmm, what?

**Narrator:** She 'skipped happily'…?

**ITLW:** Oh come o-You've got me in a **DRESS**, what more do you want from me?!

**Narrator:** Come on now, it's not _that_ hard to skip happily…

**ITLW:** Errr, hello? Have you _seen_ the shoes you've put me in? Does it look like it'd be physically possible to skip in them?

**Narrator:** …if you don't skip happily through this forest this instant, I'll take pictures of you in that outfit and send them to Pedro…

**ITLW:** That's not much of a threat…

**Narrator:** …_and_ Mr. Crainer…

**ITLW:** O-Okay that's a little harsh...

**Narrator:** …_and_ Bashur…

**ITLW:** Alright, you made your point!

**Narrator:** …_and_ Toby…

**ITLW:** ALRIGHT, **FINE**! I'LL SKIP! BUT **NO** PICTURE TAKING!

**Narrator:** As long as you skip, there'll be no pictures…now get skipping!

**ITLW:** *Grumbles* …the things I do for entertainment…

(As Martyn makes a somewhat clumsy effort to skip, the narrator continues.)

**Narrator:** She skipped happily through the forest, but she was soon to be stopped in her path…

**ITLW:** *Unenthusiastic tone* _Really_? Oh _dear_, how _awful_…

**Narrator:** Quiet you! That picture threat still stands! …She was soon to be stopped in her path, for further on in the forest…

* * *

(The scene suddenly zooms to a deeper, darker part of the forest…)

**Narrator:** …there was The Big, Bad…s-sorry, does that say walrus? Really, the Big, Bad…Walrus?

**Trottimus:** *Emerges from hiding behind a tree* Well, I can't exactly pull off the whole 'wolf' look, can I?

**Narrator:** But…what…_how_? How does a Big, Bad Walrus work?

**Trott:** How _dosen't_ it work?

**Narrator:** Well, wolves and walruses _are_ very different…

**Trott:** Not really! We've both got sharp teeth…and, err, tusks, we're both…quite big, err…w-we both begin with the letter 'W', we…

**Narrator:** No, no, no! My point is that walruses aren't as 'scary' as wolves! When have you ever looked at a walrus and thought "Oooh, they look scary! I hope it dosen't bite my head off!"

**Trott:** Hey, I find that offensive!

**Narrator:** Oh top of that, when have you _ever_ seen a wild, carnivorous walrus…IN THE _**FOREST**_?!

**Trott:** Okay, now you're just being picky. If you're going to get picky about natural habitats, you should've set this story in a bloody snow biome!

**Narrator:** The Big, Bad Walrus…honestly, I think you're going to be more scared Little Red LittleWood than he-err, _she_ is of you…

**Trott:** Yeah, well, we'll see about tha-hold on a minute, did you just say 'he'?

**Narrator:** Uhhhh, noooo…

**Trott:** No, you just said 'he'. Pretty sure Little Red Riding Hood-

**Narrator:** LittleWood. The character in this version of the story is Little Red LittleWood.

**Trott:** LittleWood, where have I heard tha- Hold on, _LittleWood_?! A-As in…InTheLittleWood?

**Narrator:** *Sigh* Yes, Little Red LittleWood is also known as Martyn. Do you have a problem with this?

**Trott:** No, no, it's no problem, but…wow, I bet _that_ took some persuading to get him to play a girl…

**Narrator:** Well, we told him he'd be in the story and he'd be the main character – it was only after he got here that we told him it was a parody of Little Red Riding Hood, and that he was playing the part of a girl.

**Trott:** Ooh, very sneaky…if not a bit harsh.

**Narrator:** Oh, playing the part is nothing – you should see the outfit we've forced him into.

**Trott:** *Snickers* Outfit?

**Narrator:** Honestly Trott, it's a sight to behold, can't believe I got him to wear it!

**Trott:** I'm guessing it's pretty hideous?

**Narrator:** It's on a whole new level of fashion crime.

**Trott:** Hmm, may have to get a picture or two…so, where is he…err, I mean 'she'?

**Narrator:** 'She' should be here any minute now, so get back behind that tree, and when 'she' comes down the path, jump out and scare the frilly knickers off of 'her'!

**Trott:** *Giggles* It'll be my pleasure! *Hides back behind the tree*

(Meanwhile, back with Little Red LittleWood and his terrible skipping…)

**ITLW:** God, these shoes are starting to rub…

**Narrator:** Little Red LittleWood became a bit frightened as the forest became more shadowy and spooky…

**ITLW:** Huh? Oh, right…*In one of the most sarcastic tones of voice ever* …_Oh no_, the forest is getting _dark_ and _scary_! I _sure hope_ that no _monsters_ jump out from behind a tree to try and scare m-

(Suddenly, Trott jumps out from behind the tree, unleashing a mighty, walrus-y roar)

**Trott:** **ROOOOOOARRR!**

**ITLW:** **HOLY MOTHER OF NOTCH! ***Falls to the ground* **WH-WHAT THE **_**HELL**_** IS THAT?!**

**Trott:** I'M THE BIG, BAD WALRUS, AND I'M GONNA…*Starts to giggle*…ohoho my God…*Giggles a bit more*

**ITLW:** …What? What's so funny?

**Trott:** Wh-what's so FUNNY?! Are you HONESTLY asking- have you SEEN what you're _WEARING_, Martyn?! *Bursts out laughing*

**ITLW:** *Blushes* SH-SHUT UP! I KNOW IT LOOKS AWFUL; YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUB IT IN!

**Trott:** *Struggling to breathe through laughing* B-But that outfit…just…_just_…WHAT THE _HELL_?! H-How do you even FIND an outfit that looks that BAD?!

**ITLW:** God, you're as bad as the Narrator!

**Narrator:** *Trying to stifle laughter* He's right, c-come on now Trott, we can't be too harsh on Martyn…or should we say _Martina_!

**ITLW:** OH, COME OFF IT, YOU TWO! TROTT, YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER!

**Trott:** I know I should know better…but I'm not the one standing there dressed like _THAT_!

**ITLW:** OH, COME ON!

**Trott / Narrator:** Martina, Martina! *In fits of laughter*

**ITLW:** STOP CALLING ME THAT!

**Narrator:** Hey Trott, listen to this…*Puts on a high pitched voice* "Hello everybody, I'm Little Red LittleWood, also known as Martina, and I'm the worst crossdresser in _all_ of Minecraftia!"

**ITLW:** **GAAAAAH!**

(The taunting and uncontrollable laughing fits continue for about five minutes, until the Narrator finally decides that the story should continue…)

**Narrator:** Alright…okay, we…we need to get on with this now…God, I can't breathe…

**Trott:** That…was so funny…

**ITLW:** Yes, absolutely _hilarious_.

**Narrator:** Oh come on Martyn, you've gotta admit, it was quite funny!

**ITLW:** Oh yeah, because it's _SO FUNNY_ to put me in a hideous dress, make me prance through the woods like a fairy and call me Martina.

**Trott:** …yeah, that _is_ quite funny.

**ITLW:** Shut it, Walrus.

**Narrator:** Right, okay, I've found where we were up to…Suddenly out of the shadows, the Big Bad Walrus jumped out in front of Little Red LittleWood.

**Trott:** Oh right, time to get into character…*Clears his throat and puts on a gruff voice*…Hello there, little…*stifled giggle*…_girl_.

**ITLW:** Grrrr…

**Trott:** And where might you be off to?

**ITLW:** I'm off to my grandma's house in-

**Narrator:** Right, stop for a minute…

**ITLW:** Oh, what _now_?

**Narrator:** Surely if you're playing a girl, maybe you should put on a…more effeminate voice?

**ITLW:** Oh, you are _joking_!

**Narrator:** Come oooon! I know we've made fun of you, but you could at least_ try_ and get into character. If Trott can do it, why can't you?

**ITLW:** And what if I don't?

**Narrator:** Remember that threat I mentioned earlier about the pictures?

**ITLW:** …you are the _worst_ kind of narrator. Seriously.

**Narrator:** Flattery gets you nowhere, Martyn…now come on, put your voice on!

**ITLW:** Alright fine…*Clears his throat and puts a ridiculous high-pitched voice on* …I-I'm off to my grandma's house in the middle of the forest to deliver some golden apples.

**Trott:** *Still stifling giggles* That was the worst voice-

**ITLW:** *Mumbling* Yours isn't great either, shut up.

**Trott:** *Clears his throat again* Well, Little Red LittleWood, I'm going to get to your grandma's house before you…and when I get there, I'll eat her, and then I'll eat **YOU**!

**ITLW:** Ha, I'd like to see you try and get there before me!

**Trott:** You forget I have an advantage here!

**ITLW:** And what would that be?

**Trott:** I'm not the one wearing heels!

**ITLW:** I'll have you know these heels aren't _that_ high, and at least I've got feet and not flippers!

**Trott:** Narrator?

**Narrator:** Yes?

**Trott:** Who do you think will get to grandma's house first?

**Narrator:** Hmmmm…20 quid says that Trott gets there first.

**ITLW:** *Returns to his normal voice* Oh come on! He dosen't even have feet!

**Narrator:** Yes, but think of it like this…Trott may not have feet, but he's adapted to his flippers, and he knows how to move quick with them. You, on the other hand, are wearing shoes that you're definitely not adapted to, and thus, you'll be considerably slower.

(There's a moment of dumbfounded silence.)

**Trott:** Wow, you actually thought that through…

**Narrator:** Yeah…that, and in the original story, the wolf does get there first.

**ITLW:** Well, there's no point putting a bet on it if you know for a fact he's going to win!

**Narrator:** How else do you think I get paid? Now, enough chit-chat, shouldn't you two get going?

**Trott:** Oh right, well…see you later Martyn, after I've…y'know, eaten your grandma and everything.

**ITLW:** Yeah, see you later Trott! *Sigh* Have I got to skip there?

**Narrator:** Of course.

**ITLW:** But my feet hurt!

**Narrator:** *Mocking voice* _But my feet hurt!_ Get on with it!

**Trott: ***From far ahead* YEAH _MARTINA_, GET ON WITH IT!

* * *

(With a frustrated grunt, Martyn continues his crappy skipping along the forest path…The scene then switches to yet another part of the forest, where Djh3max - more commonly known as Ross - is dressed as a lumberjack, chopping some wood with a diamond axe in an extremely manly fashion…well, as manly as Minecraft is able to get…)

**Narrator:** Further on the path that Little Red LittleWood was taking, there lived a lumberjack named Ross, who sported a rather epic beard. He was going about his usual hard-working business, carelessly defiling the forest with his diamond axe that he'd obviously nicked from Creative Mode. Hey, have you noticed that lumberjack's in parodies almost always sing the Lumberjack Song from Monty Python?

**Ross:** *Singing as he's working* I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay, I sleep all night and I work all day!

**Narrator:** See? Told you they sing it, every time!

**Ross:** Yeah, too bad that's the only line of the song I know…

**Narrator:** What, seriously? That's the _only_ line you know? That dosen't make you a very good lumberjack then, does it?

**Ross:** Oh, so it's not all about how well I can chop wood? _Noooo_, I'm only a '_good_' lumberjack if I know all of the lyrics to a rather outdated yet still hilarious song?

**Narrator:** …yes.

**Ross:** I'm afraid to say that you have some terrible logic skills, good sir.

**Narrator:** Yeah, and what are you gonna do about it? I can have whatever logic I want, and you can't do anything, because I'm not visible!

**Ross:** Well then, why don't you stop being a massive Troll, come out here and show yourself, so I can take this axe and shove it right up your-

**ITLW:** *From far away* Aaaaagh, these shoes!

**Ross:** Huh?

(Enter Martyn, still as terrible at skipping as he was at the beginning of the story…if not slightly worse than before…)

**Ross:** Oooh, hello…

**Narrator:** Ah, I see you've noticed Little Red LittleWood.

**Ross:** Indeed I have…I'm not too keen on that dress, but she dosen't look too bad…

**Narrator:** O-Oh, Ross, there's something you should know before you talk to-

**Ross:** I've got to talk to her; I'll be back in a minute!

**Narrator:** No, no Ross, she's not…! Ahh, forget it, he's gonna have to figure it out for himself…

(Ross suddenly leans on a nearby tree, one hand clutching his axe and the other stoking his beard…yeah, I bet he thinks he looks _really_ good right now…)

**Ross:** Well, well, good day to you, young lady!

**ITLW:** Oh, good d-*Puts on the high voice*I mean, good day!

**Ross:** It's Little Red LittleWood, isn't it? *Walks over to Martyn* The narrator mentioned your name…

**ITLW:** Yes, that's me! *Shifty eyes* Wh-What else did the narrator tell you?

**Ross:** Well, he didn't tell me you were going to be so very pretty…*Leans up onto a tree stump right near Martyn, still failing at trying to look good*

**ITLW:** Oh God, please tell me you're not going to-

**Ross:** It makes me wonder what a girl like you is doing out here all by herself in the woods…_anything_ could happen to a pretty little thing like _you_ out here!

**ITLW:** I…think I can take of myself, thank you very much!

**Ross:** Oooh, you're fiery – I _like_ that in a girl!

**ITLW:** Ehehehe, pleasestopflirtingwithmenowR ossthanks.

**Ross:** Come to think of it, what _are_ you doing out here?

**ITLW:** I'm off to my grandma's house to deliver some golden apples.

**Ross:** Well, surely you don't have to be in such a hurry to get there, do you?

**ITLW:** Actually, I kinda do have to hurry…see, I'm in a race with this…Big Bad Walrus, and I _really_ can't let him win…

**Ross:** Oh, come on now! Walruses are pretty slow; you've got loads of time to spare!

**ITLW:** I wouldn't be so sure about that…

**Ross:** Surely you can stay a while with me? I'll let you rest in my cabin for a while and you can see my humongous log…

**ITLW:** WHAT?!

**Ross:** …collection.

**ITLW:** Oh…for a second there I thought you meant something else…

**Ross:** Well, there's _that_ 'log' too…

**ITLW:** Oh dear God, **no**.

**Ross:** …and if you were to see _that_ one…well, you may have to consider changing your name to 'Little Red _Riding_ Wood'!

**ITLW:** *Normal voice, sounding somewhat disgusted* OH FOR GODS SAKE, ROSS! STOP, _PLEASE_! IT'S ME, _MARTYN_!

**Ross:** Hmm, Martyn, that's a nice na-*recoils in horror* **OHMYGODMARTYNWHATTHE HELL?!**

**ITLW:** OH, _FINALLY _CAUGHT ON HAVE WE, YOU DIRTY PERV?!

**Ross:** SORRY, SORRY, I-I THOUGHT YOU WERE A GIRL, HONEST! I didn't catch onto the name, I-I had no idea!

**ITLW:** Yeah, you should be sorry! Those 'log' jokes…what's WRONG with you?

**Ross:** I-I guess you've got to make jokes that relate to your character…?

**ITLW:** But why would you even consider making those sorts of remarks to someone who looks like a young girl?!

**Narrator:** Hate to say it, but he has a point Ross… a poorly dressed young girl at that.

**Ross:** Why didn't _you_ tell me that it was Martyn?!

**Narrator:** I tried to, but apparently your 'humongous log' was thinking ahead of your brain and you ran off before I could say anything! Plus, you _did_ threaten to shove your axe someplace before…

**Ross**: A-Anyway, awkward flirting aside…did you mention something about a Big Bad-

**ITLW:** Walrus? Yeah, Trott's racing me to my grandma's house, but it's not really much of a race seeing as he's going to win anyway…

**Ross:** …ahh, I see.

(There is an awkward silence.)

**Ross:** Sooooo, err…*blushing slightly* …forget this whole scene ever happened?

**ITLW:** Yeah, yeah, f-forget you ever said it!

**Ross:** I mean…you weren't really gonna-

**ITLW:** Oh God, no! Noooononono!

**Ross:** Oh, good, good…th-that's reassuring. I mean, if you had-

**ITLW:** -you would've got a…a nasty shock.

**Ross:** Indeed! Very…_very_ nasty shock.

(Yet another awkward silence.)

**ITLW:** See you later then!

**Ross:** Yeah, bye!

(Martyn practically runs away, and Ross is left standing there, probably feeling like a complete weirdo.)

**Ross:** *Sighs*…Ross, you are…an idiot. *Goes to facepalm himself, but ends up hitting himself in the face with the axe he had in his hand* **OWW!**

* * *

**Will Trott still be guaranteed to get to Granny's house before Martyn? Is Martyn going to get some sort of foot injury due to his poor skipping? Will Ross ever get over the fact that he just made some of the worst wood related innuendo's ever? Find out all of this and more in PART 2!**


End file.
